My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
