there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
