Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Four minutes until I can fart!
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
