He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
