Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
