If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
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