Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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