I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
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