this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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