1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
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