just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
There are leaves in my underwear?
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