take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
ok first of all what the fuck
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
