I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
