saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
