You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
