ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
