All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
