Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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