Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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