she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
