oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
