my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
