How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You ate ashes out of my bong
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
