I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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