If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
