My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
