So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
this will be a night to untag.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
