I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You are a genius and a whore.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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