I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Drake has all the answers
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
