Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
