Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
