I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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