I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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