we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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