my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
