I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
