I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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