the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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