Your face is a jimmy john
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
