I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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