I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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