My friends, they love my intelligence
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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