I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
