So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
