I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
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