Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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