Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
