it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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