remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
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