I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
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